Most Likely To… in Amsterdam

Copyright (c) 2011 Ana da Silva

Based on heavy generalization, stereotyping and other biased information (i.e. limited personal observation), I hereby present you a list of people most likely to do something dumb, irritating or otherwise unwholesome in Amsterdam.

Nationalities most likely to…

…fall into a canal: British (men). Why: drunk ass men using the canals as toilets

…be rejected as a clients by prostitutes: British (men). Why: too drunk (I actually heard this one!)

…be confused with prostitutes: British (women, young). Why: way too short skirts, way too high heels, way too much sloppy red lipstick

…bump into you in a nearly empty museum: Spaniards. Why: they’re always looking the opposite way from the way in which they’re walking

…elbow you in a nearly empty bar: Dutch men. Why: lack of manners and social skills

…not be shocked by ladies in lingerie “for sale” in windows: Brazilians. Why: Brazilian women wear less on the beach and Brazilian prostitutes can be found buck naked

…crossfade: Americans. Why: late drinking age (18) + “coolness” of telling their friends they got high everyday

…not notice any canals: Aussies. Why: spend all their time in pubs

…complain that the canals aren’t beautiful enough: the French. Why: they’re French

…spend their entire stay talking about how their city is so much better: Parisians. Why: yup, you got it

…make locals feel like movie stars on the red carpet just for riding crazy-colored bikes: Japanese. Why: super cameras with super flashes operated by super fast fingers in a super-sized tour group

…fail to satisfy horny tourists: the Dutch. Why: they’re Dutch

…annoy local cyclists: really tough one but Spaniards are winning so far. Why: all tourists are stupid on the bike lanes, whether riding or walking on the lanes, but there seems to be lots of groups of Spaniards everywhere for some reason

…irritate local men: Italians (men). Why: they’re like heavy rain falling on a tree of female ego that’s dying from neglect by Dutch men, whose watering cans were taken away by Dutch women

Dutch Cycle Paths

Interesting video about why the Netherlands have all these bike paths. The approach would solve lots of problems around the world  :)

 

 

A Jew, a Muslim and a Catholic

While some Muslims, Jews and Christians spread hate in name of their religions in various parts of the world, a Jew, a Muslim and a Catholic rode merrily in a German moving truck in Amsterdam. The Austrian Jew adjusted his kippah while looking up directions for the Moroccan Muslim driver on his made-in-China “American” phone, and the Brazilian Catholic looked for their destination’s exact address, written on a piece of paper somewhere in her purse. The three companions were on their way to fetch a bed and other items from a friend of the Catholic’s and they hoped the weather would hold up.

On arrival the Dutchman welcomed the three companions in English into his nearly empty apartment – though the Muslim and the Dutchman spoke Dutch while the others only attempted the little Dutch they knew. All the items locked up in the truck, the three companions wished the Dutchman a good trip to his new home, Brazil. On the ride back the Muslim and the Jew explained their religions’ intricacies but the Catholic knew only the bare essential about hers; the Quran acknowledges Jesus, Jews aren’t supposed to ride a bike on Saturday and Carnaval* is four days dedicated to getting all of one’s sins out of one’s system. The three concluded, in very good humor, that their religions are incredibly similar and that they were lucky that the weather was holding up during the move.

Every once in a while the Muslim would answer his Japanese phone to speak with his Swedish wife – in English. On the first stop the Muslim helped the Jew up the stairs with a few items for his apartment. On the second and last stop the three companions took the remaining items into the Catholic’s apartment. They replaced the loud squeaky Swedish bed with the new, sturdy brown bed, much to the neighbors’ relief and to the excitement of the dark-eyed Catholic’s imagination regarding a blue-eyed German-Dutch man. The three shook hands and said good-bye. Later that night it rained.

—–

*No idea why foreigners spell it “Carnival.”

Happy New Year!

Happy 2012!!! Enjoy life, be good to yourself, be kind to others and follow your dreams.

A friend shared a poem with me that I hope will inspire you too.

Instants, by Jorge Luis Borges

If I could live again my life
In the next – I’ll try
- to make more mistakes
I won’t try to be so perfect
I’ll be more relaxed
I’ll be more full – than I am now
In fact, I’ll take fewer things seriously
I’ll be less hygienic
I’ll take more risks
I’ll take more trips
I’ll watch more sunsets
I’ll climb more mountains
I’ll swim more rivers
I’ll go more places I’ve never been
I’ll eat more ice cream and less (lime) beans
I’ll have more real problems

- and fewer imaginary ones
I was one of those people who live
Prudent and prolific lives -
Each minute of his life
Of course that I had moments of joy – but
If I could go back I’ll try to have only good moments
If you don’t know – that’s what life is made of
Don’t lose the now!

I was one of those who never goes anywhere
Without a thermometer
Without a hot-water bottle
And without an umbrella and without a parachute

If I could live again – I will travel light
If I could live again – I’ll try to work bare feet
At the beginning of spring till
The end of autumn
I’ll ride more carts
I’ll watch more sunrises and play with more children
If I have the life to live – but now I am 85
- and I know that I am dying …

6 Things to Know When Moving to Amsterdam

I love Amsterdam. But I moved here on very short notice – I decided to move here 1 week prior to my arrival – and all I knew about the culture I learned from my lovely experience as a deportee back in 2009. In sum, to me the Dutch were racist bastards whose pretty faces I wanted to punch. So there are many things that I didn’t consider before coming here that I urge you to consider should you decide to take the plunge.

1. It’s windy. It’s VERY windy.

It should be easy to connect the dots between windmills and constant wind but I wasn’t even thinking about windmills when I came. It gets really windy here, so windy that every once in a while my bike gets blown off course and I’ve to get off it and walk it lest I be blown into a canal!

2. The Dutch are not as good at English as it’s said

Dutch and English have many similarities but there are also many false friends and grammatical differences that can lead to misunderstandings. This doesn’t happen often but sometimes you’re just trying to have a conversation and need to stop every so often to explain what you mean. It might happen that a Dutchie will say “I’ll learn you Dutch” instead of “I’ll teach you Dutch.” Or in certain contexts you might have to stop for a second to understand why they’re asking you “What are you doing here?” when you’re having a drink at a bar on a Saturday night. Then it becomes clear that what they mean is, “What do you do for a living?” Jokes, irony and sarcasm generally go over a Dutchie’s head.

3. Gorgeous men who can’t flirt = frustration

Imagine you’re stuck on a desert island with the hottest men on the planet (George Clooney, Mark Fisher or whoever floats your boat). Then imagine finding out that all these men are gay. Perhaps not so extreme but you get an idea of the kind of frustration women might experience with Dutch men on a regular basis. As I mentioned in the past, Dutch women fought for equal rights but they went too far and metaphorically castrated the men. Dutch men cannot flirt for their lives and single expat women complain about the precarious dating life. Many agree that in time foreign women start to feel unattractive.

4. Amsterdam is a small city

This is one of my favorite things about Amsterdam! Its total population is under 800,000. Even if that figure doesn’t include all the illegal Americans and other unregistered residents, it’s still rather small for such a famous capital city, especially to those of us used to New York, Sao Paulo and Paris. The story goes that it starts to feel too small after a while but it’s definitely worth taking the risk.

She said she's German

5. The Dutch are NOT like the Germans!

They might be neighbors but the laid back Dutch are very different from the strict Germans. The Dutch have found loopholes to break their own drug laws, invented the term gezellig (loosely translated as “cozy”) and produced Van Gogh while the Germans have developed the best machinery in the world, birthed Hitler and become associated with sexual fantasies that are based on discipline.

6. Flowers are everywhere

This is probably not a big deal for most people, but if you’ve allergies or if you’re a fellow anthophobic, it’s good to take note that there’s a tulip fest here for a reason. The damp climate also makes it the perfect place to have orchids, the monster of flowers.

The Joys of Dutch Service

If for a second I forget that the French were in the Netherlands for a while, I’m quickly reminded by the ever-present French heritage such as that of client service. In Amsterdam, as in Paris, water isn’t served as soon as you sit down at a restaurant like it is in the USA, you have to ask for it. In Amsterdam the server usually brings you a glass slightly bigger than a thimble, which is a huge improvement over the French, who simply bring you nothing. But forget the Frencholes, let’s talk about the friendly and nice (and very good looking) Dutch.

Recently I bought a defective light for my bike from my neighborhood bike shop and when I went back to exchange it the friendly and helpful clerk examined it and concluded that the batteries were dead.

“I only bought it last week though,” I said.

He explained, “It got wet inside and the batteries aren’t working.”

I said, “Well, it’s a bit of a problem if a light on a bike can’t get wet in Amsterdam, isn’t it?”

He laughed, “Yes, well, that’s Amsterdam! You’ll have to buy a new light.”

Great.

Then there was the time when I was having coffee at a restaurant and I asked the waitress for a napkin. “Why?” she politely asked me. Well, that was a first. Since the obvious scenario didn’t seem plausible (the being in a restaurant ordering something part), I told her I had a runny nose and that I was out of tissues. She examined me for a few seconds before going to grab me a single napkin.

Tip: When ordering food, even if it’s finger food or sticky pie, ask for napkins because you’ll most likely not get any otherwise.

But I was out-shocked at my favorite bar, Het Paardje in the cool neighborhood of de Pijp. I was having beers and chatting with a typically gorgeous Dutchman when the beautiful waiter (yes, the men here can be “beautiful”) approached us and started speaking Dutch. No voices were raised but something was obviously not right and after some back and forth in Dutch the exasperated waiter hesitantly left. Turned out he had asked for our bar stools because two people wanted to have dinner and there were no more stools. I cannot imagine something like that happening in the US.

On the other hand, very often bartenders will let me taste beers before deciding which to order and when you order coffee or tea most places serve a little cookie or other treat on the side. So sweet! And once I even got a free round of drinks for my group. In many establishments the servers use an electronic pad to take orders and our waitress couldn’t find my tab in her pad so she said that she couldn’t charge me for something that didn’t exist in her system. Dutch logic can be very interesting.

Proost!

“I’m Sure You Can Find a Job”

Whatever makes you happy, man...

“I’m sure you can find a job in Amsterdam” is something people tell me often. I’m flattered by their confidence in me but I’m mostly amused because this statement isn’t in response to me saying that I’m looking for a job but as a reaction to me telling them that my steady job is babysitting, which I love.

Since I left my mind-numbing, soul-crushing 9-to-5 desk job in New York City in 2009 I’ve stirred clear of “regular” jobs and that idea isn’t easy to grasp for most people. Why would someone with a Master’s degree, solid work background and good language skills not be working in a full-time position at an established company? To me it’s simple: to be happy. I was so miserable at that NYC job that I became sick so I promised myself I wouldn’t attempt such soul suicide again – though I could see myself working at a Dutch office because people here generally see work as a component of life, as opposed to the American way in which life is time wasted unless filled with nothing but work (well, and shopping).

One interesting fact is that many of the people who don’t understand why I’m one of the most ridiculously over-qualified babysitters on the planet complain about their jobs, sometimes confessing that they wish they could be more like me – these folks don’t seem to think of the hardships of my lifestyle but I can understand why they see greener grass.

My life is definitely far from perfect (and the amount in my bank account far from ideal) but I’m actually happy now and that’s all that matters. This isn’t to say that I don’t think and plan for the future or that I’m not afraid of where I’m going to end up (God forbid homeless!) but since I’ve got only one life to live it seems more sensible to take the risk of being happy than to risk a nervous breakdown behind a dusty computer monitor.

How about you, are you happy?

Taking One for the Couchsurfing Team

Couchsurfing (CS) is full of great experiences and except for a couple minor incidents I’ve had some truly wonderful interactions in more than four and half years as a CSer and I highly recommend the project. But every bushel has a bad apple…

Earlier this year I was hosted in my home country, Brazil, by a middle-aged man with a PhD and some experience in journalism. I was super excited to meet him and very thankful for his flexibility and later his hospitality. But there was something a bit chaotic about the experience that just made me feel I should point it out in the neutral reference I thought appropriate. After all CS is based on trust and honesty – or at least it should be.

In the past I’d left a couple neutral references that, upon discussion with my host or guest, I realized had been unfair and so I changed them to positive and apologized for my misjudgment. But I couldn’t justify changing my neutral reference to positive when PhD CSer asked me to. Apparently my neutral reference was sticking out and not looking good on his profile, to paraphrase him. He went on to point out that he was volunteering and that that depends on people trusting him. Now, I take CS rather seriously, being that it involves a lot of trust in strangers (!) so I spent way too much time re-evaluating the situation and eventually my gut left me with no doubt that I was doing the right thing by not changing the reference.

In a polite reply I explained to PhD CSer why I couldn’t change my reference and wished him the best of luck. Next thing I know he not only changes the positive reference he’d left me to neutral but turns it into a little personal attack, following with a long private message that confirmed that my gut was right (of course!). In the email the guy showed his borderline psycho side and made me truly scared for anyone found in his presence should he not get his way or get ticked off for whatever reason. Holy Scrabble-doodle!

By the way, though CS offers the option of requesting removal of such types of retaliatory references it does not interfere if there’ve been email exchanges between members in relation to the changed reference. CS also encourages members to try to resolve issues about references among themselves before contacting the dispute team. Logic isn’t part of CS mission.

So now I’ll risk getting my first negative reference because I just can’t not mention that the guy’s apparently not exactly stable. If you’ve had experience with this type of situation, do share!